Imagine, if.

I rip and tear so get the hell out of here.

Friday, July 27, 2007 @ 12:25 PM

Scram.

After so long I still haven’t figure out why my heart just wouldn’t allow anyone in no matter how hard I tried to, till last night where I lay in bed just thinking about it and I seriously don’t know why and how pictures of you came flooding into my mind. I had no idea how to stop it and in a way I didn’t want to cause I must admit that I’ve missed you.

So memories which I thought I’ve buried resurfaced with those mixed feelings.
Happiness, jealousy and disappointment.
I’ve thought that I’ve already gotten way over it since it was history( last year) but I was proven wrong. As I reflected, actually I’ve been running away from it all along instead of facing it. I was blinded and couldn’t accept it so avoiding it would be a better alternative huh. So now those emotions and fucked up stuff are exploding inside my mind and heart. This spells DOOM.

I read some of my entries which I wrote back then.

I’ve made a promise to you that I’ll stay as friends and nothing more when you told me not to be too nice and stuff. I’ve failed, I couldn’t keep my distance much less stop myself from falling for you. Bad idea? Maybe, maybe not.

I remember that study kit that I gave you. Wahahahs. I hope that helps man during that time since I couldn’t do much for you since you were studying.

When I’ve decide not to think or care about you, you could say I was trying to give up and not to care or think if you’ve taken your meals, whether or not if you’re outside, what you’re doing right now, not to care if you’re upset, angry or sick. I’ve tried, really, and it stings. I couldn’t, not with the answer you left me with. I had not idea what kind of excuses I could give myself so as to believe and accept your ultimate answer. Really, that was the max.

Can anybody tell me if you were given an excuse worse than “I’m sorry, I just can’t cause of religion purposes”
Please tell me so that I’ll know that there are far worse excuses one can give just to avoid and I’ll feel better.

We hadn’t even start cause you didn’t give me that one shot and you were so quick to jump into the ending (talking about how we would part in the future)
Were you trying to tell me that I’ve been wasting my time on you all along? If I did and didn’t realize it, why didn’t you stop me when I fell into that deadly hole? Thanks for slamming the door shut on me eh. When you needed someone wasn’t I there for you, so where were you when I needed you most?

I don’t even know why I climb to the peak and to jump off the next minute.

Does it matter that I care?
Does it matter if I miss you?
Does it matter if I need you?
Hell no, they are just empty words and empty emotions.
Is it that hard for you to give me one shot? Why can’t you let your heart guide you? Why listen to your brain, the facts? I really don’t understand.
How I wish I can just hit the reverse button and pause it at the beginning and maybe I’d have two options.
One: don’t even start it.
Two: Do it all over again and this time make damn sure that I will give more than what I did.

I know it’s too late to say all these now. We’re just like complete strangers. I know that one day I’ll miss looking at you, those captivating eyes which can tug my soul along with you. I know that one day I’ll miss your warm touch on my hands. I know one day I’ll miss that smile of yours. I know one day I’ll miss your voice. And that One day is today. I’ve missed you for far too long. why couldn’t you see or feel me standing right in front of you all along? I have many things I wish to say to you but can’t now, its just impossible.

Now tell me what kind of excuse can I give myself again to believe that excuse you gave and just live life as normal?

--
Phew, It feels good to relieve stuff here. Anw, she might not bother to read.
Alright, now I’ll watch tv (:

I let you have it your way.